Screaming without a voice

I attended an Eid event today and I have to say I'm quite disappointed by it. We had to fork out GBP10 per person for just a couple of performances and a meal. The event lasted three hours consisting mostly of waiting around for things to happen. It was disorganized, boring and its saving grace was the fabulous food.

I know all this sounds harsh, especially since it's my good friend who organized the event. Maybe it's because I'm comparing it to last year's; we had a quiz, a fashion show, an auction and several performances aboard a cruise ship. However, we just had vege lasagna last year, so the Lebanese dinner just now was waayyyy better. But all in all, I thought for 10 quid, it just wasn't worth it. When we went back home after the event, we were all bitching about how bad the event was.

But you know what? I feel more guilty about not helping them in the first place.

It wasn't as if my friend didn't ask for help; she e-mailed people asking if anyone's interested in performing. In the end, she only got two performances for the whole event. If I had known that, I would've volunteered in a heartbeat! All throughout the event I was mentally kicking myself in the back for not offering to sing. Besides, it's one of my dreams, right? Just because I've fulfilled it once doesn't mean I couldn't do it again. I kept thinking that I could've done something - anything! - just to colour the event a bit more.

Then there was the event organization. Our consensus was that they didn't know how to organize events properly. But come to think of it, if we think we can do a better job, then why didn't we pitch in before the event? We could've went to the meetings, tell them the event's gonna suck if you only put two performances in a 3-hour event, and then we'll get a completely different outcome altogether.

But did I do any of these things? No. I read the e-mail thinking, "Oh, she's probably got enough people by now," and then proceeded to delete it. When I was asked to attend the meetings, I just declined and said I was too busy.

And here I am talking about how poor the event turned out to be when I just stood there and did nothing. It's like I've been given a voice, but I chose not to use it. So who's gonna hear me scream after that?

If it's meant to be, it will come

Last Wednesday, I was working as a student helper for a major careers fair on campus. It was fairly big; we had 85 exhibitors crammed into two separate exhibition sites and I was running around the whole day doing various things, from heavy lifting to manning registration desks. During the day, something happened and it was quite a revelation to me.

Each helper is given a name tag and during the busy morning setup, I lost it. I was lifting a few heavy boxes around and all of a sudden, I just realized my name tag wasn't on me anymore. I rolled my eyes thinking it could be anywhere considering I had just crossed the university from one end to the other, so I decided not to bother.

So for the whole day I went on with my work. Then before the day ended, we cleared off everything, from rubbish to recycled cardboard boxes to leftover freebies, and carried the Careers Service's stuff back into their office.

That was when this other helper tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around, he gave me my name tag!

I asked him where did he find it. He said it was on the concrete bollard right outside the office. There was nobody around it, just the tag on top of the bollard. Someone must've found it and left it there!

I was completely astounded by the discovery. Why? Because I had let it go. I knew the tag was missing, but instead of fretting about it, I just let it be. There was only one Dayah who was a student helper, so I knew sooner or later it would find its way back to me. And it did!

Moral of the story: If it's got your name written all over it, just be patient. If it's meant for you, it will come.

If only I have the same conviction when it comes to other parts of my life.

I saw Stardust for the second time. It's a romantic movie about a guy looking for a fallen star which happens to be a really pretty girl.. I'm a romance junkie so what else do you expect? :P

Here's my favourite quote from the film:

**spoiler alert**

Yvaine: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

Sigh.. *melts into a puddle* :)

Semalam..

.. adalah hari yang paling gembira dalam hidup aku. Gembira yang dah lama aku tak rasai. Pelik, sebab aku jangkakan perkara sebaliknya yang terjadi.

Terlalu banyak yang bermain di fikiranku. Terlalu banyak yang ingin aku katakan. Tapi aku tahu, semuanya tiada makna. Biarpun aku luahkan segala-gala yang terbuku dalam hatiku ini, ia takkan mengubah apa-apa.

Sejarah dah mengajar aku. Dulu, aku gopoh. Tak berfikir panjang. Akhirnya, persahabatan yang terjalin tidak seperti dulu lagi. Kini aku berdepan dengan situasi yang sama. Bezanya sekarang, aku boleh memilih bagaimanakah kesudahannya.

Aku tahu, ramai yang berpendapat aku ini bodoh. Bodoh kerana terlalu cepat mengikut perasaan. Bodoh kerana sengaja mencari masalah tanpa berfikir apakah kesannya nanti. Bodoh kerana begitu mudah menyerahkan hatiku kepada insan bernama lelaki dalam sekelip mata.

Banyak yang aku takuti dalam dunia ini. Aku takut pandu kereta. Aku takut bawa basikal. Aku takut lintas jalan. Aku memang penakut, tapi satu-satunya benda yang aku tak takut adalah mengambil risiko dengan hati dan perasaanku, sehinggakan ada yang kata aku ini berani, malah terlalu berani. Pelik kan?

Dah banyak pengalaman yang aku timba. Dah banyak kesilapan yang aku lakukan. Dah banyak pengajaran yang aku terima. Tapi, aku yakin, banyak lagi kesilapan yang akan aku lakukan. Sebab aku perlu buat kesilapan supaya aku dapat belajar daripadanya.

Mungkin ramai yang pelik. Kenapa aku begitu bersungguh-sungguh untuk membuat kesilapan?

Padaku, tak kira betapa pedihnya hatiku setiap kali aku menghadapi kesilapanku, akan ada waktu dan ketika yang buat aku rasa bahagia yang tak dapat dilafazkan dengan kata-kata.

Seperti semalam.

Walaupun waktu dan ketika itu terlalu pendek jika dibandingkan dengan kepedihan yang aku lalui selepas itu, tapi pada aku semuanya berbaloi. Kalau ini dipanggil kebodohan, terpulanglah. Aku sanggup jadi orang bodoh daripada jadi orang yang tak pernah membenarkan hati dan perasaannya.

Aku takkan patah semangat.

Sorry..

.. for not updating :P

I've been completely blindsided by my workload so I do apologize!

My first few days back to Soton was quite a nightmare.. Not only was I grappling with the task of settling in with my jetlagged state, I was battling this huge sense of loneliness as well.. I guess after 3 months of being in constant contact with family members, the sudden realization that you're on your own again was a bit too much for me to handle.. It's weird really.. I've flown to Soton three times by now and yet I'm still gripped by sheer sadness each and everytime..

But the days became better as time went on.. I worked as a Jumpstart helper for my school and then became a student helper for the uni-link buses.. I totally love my jobs! Sometimes you've gotta face the occupational hazards that come with it (i.e. getting squished by people, doors, drivers, etc.) but the fun factor is truly amazing.. You meet all sorts of people doing all kinds of wacky things and you get to learn stuff about buses that only a privileged few know about.. The pay's not too bad either.. The day we finished, all the uni-link helpers were wallowing in their jobless ways!

Yesterday was Eid-ul Fitr.. Or better known as Hari Raya Aidilfitri in Malaysia.. I still remember the moment the Islamic Society announced on Thursday that Eid was on the next day.. The faces of us Malaysian students literally dropped to the floor.. We were all glum thinking about the prospect of celebrating Eid in lectures! But we had no choice.. On Friday we went for the morning prayers, decked out in our nicest dresses, and then proceeded to class.. Well some of us anyway.. Not for the others.. (like me, eheh..)

Today's the big celebration where the Malaysian Society organized a massive Eid party for the whole Malaysian community here in Southampton.. There were loads of food around but I didn't stick around for long.. I arrived (late) at 11am and had to leave by 12.15am because I had to play a chess match in Basingstoke :(

I made a huge fuss about it with my chess captain.. I told him it was Eid and I had to skip the celebrations because he asked me to play.. For each match, we need to pay GBP2.50 to pay for the venue.. In true diva style, I refused to pay and my captain just obliged! It probably helped that I won my match.. It must've helped leverage my demands quite a bit :D

The chess match was quite amusing though.. Some guy asked whether we've played on a website called "Red Hot Porn" which actually turned out to be "Red Hot Pawn".. rotfl :D

BTW, I think if there's one thing that Malaysian men should learn from English counterparts is to open doors for ladies.. All the way from Soton to Basingstoke, I didn't hold a single door handle, be it cars or proper buildings..

Tomorrow's mission: Raid people's open houses :D